Love is complicated, right? As if it wasn’t confusing enough, in the information era it’s become more and more complex – we might be just one swipe away from the lover of our dreams, but maybe we’re overloaded by options. While hooking up is undoubtedly easier than ever, the acceleration of technology has left some people confused about what they really want, and who with.
We invited Pamela Anderson – iconic actress and beacon of sensuality, sensitivity, and sexuality – to come onboard as our guest sex and relationships editor, answering Dazed readers’ questions about self-esteem, threesomes, and what to do if your partner is overly dependent. We had a lot to get through (thanks to everyone who submitted!). We’ve taken out the Instagram handles and email address to protect the askers’ privacy and personal relationships, but each question published below comes from a different Dazed reader.
I’m with a boy who is going through an ‘asexual’ period, and I would like to know how to help him feel sexual again.
Pamela Anderson: I heard that this is an epidemic. Or maybe it’s an evolution in the age of technology and germ phobias. Does he watch a lot of explicit pornographers or video games? Does he feel numb? Is he sure of his sexuality? Too much masturbation or fantasies about cyber film stars or video games like Fortnite seem to be an addiction. Wasting time. Is YouTube taking up his time? It’s a confusing time with so much access to so much visually. I guess you must be brave – experiment with getting his attention. But don’t blame yourself. Does he share what he fantasises about? What gender? What are his fears?
Being a lover is vulnerable, especially to a sensitive person. An empath dives deep and can get depressed, and some are just afraid of love. We share our souls forever with someone we share our bodies with, and that can be scary. A computer has no attachment. And multiple bodies to look at to get excited about. It’s a dangerous time for good sex. We must do all we can to keep human connections – we are stronger in pairs. Maybe have this conversation with him as a caring friend. And look for love and a great lover who isn’t afraid somewhere else.
What was the process like, to build self-esteem and security for yourself, being conscious of all those faux stereotypes and ideas about you? I’m interested in the atmosphere that gets created around women who carry a beauty that often gets criticised somehow, as though people can’t feel, love, or have their own convictions.
Pamela Anderson: Well, I am a woman first. I was raised by fun-loving women who enjoyed all aspects of love and loving, romance and good sex. It was modelled for me on their voracious behaviors. They were beautiful and bubbly and enjoyed life. I don’t think about my image or my past. When men try to put me on a pedestal, it’s the worst. It’s isolating and lonely to be so protected. It’s also someone that will cheat eventually. Thinking you are too perfect makes men insecure and have to seek attention from others. I just want to walk hand in hand through the streets and kiss and laugh and love. But some men have a fear of treating me as a normal girl. This is what I want more than anything.
What’s your opinion on doing threesomes, groups, or ‘sex clubs’ with your partner?
Pamela Anderson: I have never had a threesome or group sex in a positive way. But to each their own. All my lovers were too jealous. Except for maybe one that fantasised about me being with a woman and watching us. It sounds tempting sometimes. But I’m too romantic. I don’t enjoy sex without love and commitment. It’s not mechanical or to show off. It’s about intimacy and sharing secrets.
Dear Pam, my boyfriend is the nicest person I know and I love him a lot. However, he’s 41, and although he eats relatively healthy, he’s not active and hasn’t taken care of his body since we started dating six years ago. Context: we’re both guys, I’m 27, and I’ve had the body of Britney Spears circa Y2K since puberty, so I don’t know what he’s going through. I want a hunky dude and I want it to be him! How can this be managed?
Pamela Anderson: You must be honest. Like you’d want your best friend to be with you. Go to the gym together. Take long walks. Go vegan. It’s better for his health. And I’m sure things will get better. Being vegan is an aphrodisiac diet. It’s a win-win. Meat makes you impotent and unhealthy. Hopefully he’s not on the computer or video games all day. That will change your body. A man with a flabby butt from sitting all day is not attractive. This creates an unattractive body. I’m not a fan of this lifestyle – it’s boring.
I’m in an overly dependent relationship, my partner is really needy. How do I break up with them?
Pamela Anderson: You must… or seek therapy. Unhealthy attachments and jealousy destroy all. And it’s crazy-making.
Someone in the bedroom says, ‘do something kinky’. What do you do?
Pamela Anderson: It’s up to them to be more specific. Sex toys can be fun.
How do you tell if someone wants you for your brains, and not just your body?
Pamela Anderson: Well, you need someone to love both. The mind is the most erotic part of the body. Stimulate my mind and the body follows.
What is your opinion on having a boyfriend and sugar daddy at the same time? Morally wrong or financially smooth for a young, broke millennial?
Pamela Anderson: I’m not an advocate of this. One man at a time is all I can handle. Plenty of sugar daddies out there. I can’t make love to someone I’m not attracted to. Not any amount of money or presents are worth it.
How can I start a polyamorous relationship successfully?
Pamela Anderson: Move to Utah? I recently met a woman who has a husband and a lover in the house. They all raised the kids together. It’s never been different, it’s a personal choice. They are happy but there is no way I could do it.
Like you, I like to show how sexy I am, but I’m tired of receiving unsolicited dick pics from men in my DMs. How do I make idiots understand that I ain’t looking for their attention?
Pamela Anderson: Block and delete.